From the Vault #1
Editor’s note: I have combed the archives and found troves of nonsense. This first Flashback Friday post was written in the summer of 2012 (age 23) while I was living aboard the Disney Wonder. Names have been changed- feelings and everything else has not. Enjoy!
Novak and I wandered through the kitsch shop in Skagway. We had finished lunch with Megan and then bid her farewell as she headed back to the ship. I hadn’t expected Novak to stay with me, but as we casually perused through the Alaskan shirts and trapper hats, it felt comfortable and I found I was actually enjoying myself.
I liked Novak. Not like the Greek god I had been pining over for months, but he was truly a nice guy. At first, he was just one of those people who taught our safety classes and I figured it would be wise to have friends in high places. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t found him slightly attractive (if you didn’t look at his teeth), but I really had no interest in pursuing it. He fooled around with a lot of girls on the ship and I knew if I made any sort of forward attempt, he’d jump. But because I had never been outright, he never made a massive move and so he continued to flirt and joke and I continued to cover my eyes and shake my head. English may not have been his first language, but man, he knew how to convey all things sexual.
We had been having a polite conversation, scoffing at the heinous homemade scarves and hats when out of the blue, he asked, “How come you don’t have a boyfriend?”
I paused, slowly closed my eyes and sighed. “I don’t know” I said, “I really don’t know.”
“Look at you. You’re beautiful, smart, you can get along with anyone. What is it?”
I put down the wooden bear figurine and shrugged. “I honestly have no idea. I just don’t get along with guys my age. I think I come off too strong. I’m not like other girls my age, either.” Novak eyed me carefully, encouraging me to proceed. I circled around a rack of moose printed t-shirts, “Well, I don’t spend hours doing my hair or make-up, I don’t like to party or throw myself at guys. I’m just…not into it I guess.”
I turned to face him and his expression hadn’t changed. “This isn’t a bad thing, you know.” It was my turn to give him a sideways glance. “You have nothing in common with men your age. This is okay. If I may be honest, American men…they, well.. “
“They can’t see past the tip of their nose,” I said, completing his sentence. “They don’t see the long term.”
He nodded. “They are not looking for much.” We walked out onto the street and sat down on the steps that led into the shop. “Take for example, Ms. Lynx.” Ah, yes, the newest member of the crew. I met “the Lynx”, as the Croatians called her, at a wine and cheese get together that Novak had hosted in his cabin a week earlier. She seemed drunk; hanging off of Novak. It was not a stellar first impression by any means.
“She was not as drunk as she appeared. I know that”, Novak explained. I was amazed, but then again, there wasn’t much that flew past this first officer. “She is the type of girl who can put on a show; shake some boobies and get what she needs.” He turned to face me, “It is a good thing you are not like her.” I smiled. Ya, maybe. But right now, I’m single, sexually frustrated, and confused and she’s just bouncing like a bee from flower to flower.
He could tell I wasn’t convinced. “I’m serious. People aren’t blind. They see what she is.”
I sighed and rested my chin on my knees, my arms wrapping around my legs. “I like who I am. I don’t want to have to pretend to be someone else.”
Novak looked me straight in the eyes, taking on a very serious tone, “Either you believe that sincerely or you are trying to convince yourself. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have to justify that out loud.”
I held his gaze for a few seconds before breaking away and shaking my head. “I just don’t get men.”
He smirked and put an arm around me. And somehow, I knew that no matter what had happened so far in my life, I was okay. I didn’t have to be like “the Lynx”. People liked me for who I was. And someday, a man would love me for who I was… eventually.
