I had this thought in the bathroom…

Editor’s note: I previously mentioned that I took a fabulous writing class with Carly and it was like I suddenly remembered why I liked sharing my writing. So, shoutout to her and my friend Sarah who shared that she missed my blog posts. Thanks for pushing me to get back into the game. 

Well, here we are. I actually had to look up when the last time I published anything was before starting this endeavor. Answer- too long ago. Like, so long ago that I had a mini guilt trip once I looked and then, subsequently, needed to take a break from attempting to write this post.

I really wondered- what had stopped me from writing? I mean, yeah, Covid, got it. But, I’m still journaling and attempting to stay somewhat creative (Diamond Painting was my thing for a solid 2 months). But why had I stopped sharing my writing? I guess because Covid has seemed like the wrong time to prophesize or complain (which I regularly do in my posts). I thought, “Surely, people have it worse than I do and have no desire to hear how my life is”. 

But, as I was peeing (no joke), I wondered if maybe hearing someone just lay it all out there truthfully would be a sudden breath of fresh air? We’ve all been faking it and saying “yes, things are fine. Well, not fine, but ya know, everyone’s there too”. But are we? Are we no longer allowed to share wins? I see losses all the time, but what about the good stuff?

It feels so hard to actually be genuinely happy or excited about something because every other second, I am somehow reminded of the crazy things happening around us and I feel small. Infinitesimal. Like nothing even matters. And then, when I do experience joy for more than a nanosecond, I feel hardcore Irish guilt for sharing that happiness because it seems like it’s wrong to do so unless it’s disguised as some clever meme. Can’t we get specific about our lives without feeling guilty? Why aren’t we allowed to air our dirty laundry or celebrate our wins during this global panini press known as a pandemic?! So, I thought: what if I did. What if I just put it all out there (well, the stuff that won’t get me fired). What if I just shared my good stuff? And just let myself have some fucking truth?

So, let’s see…

My company went through a merger, and I kept my job.

This is a hard one to celebrate as many people I know did not, and because of that, I’m even more grateful. The merger has been hard with working from home and trying to get to know what feels like a billion new people around the world. Not to mention, my role has somewhat changed and a few of my bosses have left, which has made me feel like I’m floating and untethered at times. I feel fortunate to have income and insurance, but until we really get into the office and start figuring out how the “culture” works, I find it hard on the daily. It can be lonely and isolating (and I know we all feel that at times!). My job doesn’t require many meetings, so my day has almost no structure most of the time. Which, for someone with high functioning ADD, can make everything basically impossible to navigate while alone. But, yes, health insurance, income, and some sense of purpose. I’ll take it!

I am almost debt-free.

Like everyone else, Covid has stopped/paused/ruined the majority of my social life and most of the things I enjoy (except for sitting at home and sleeping, which I have always loved to be very frank). But, with this change (and thank you to my company for a generous monthly stipend that’s meant for the internet, but really just supports my Diet Coke habit), I’ve been able to save a bunch of money and pay off a considerable amount of credit card debt (still pondering if I want to share that journey and the nitty-gritty details… tbd on that). As of writing, I’m so so so so close, like $1600 close. I also managed to sell some of my stocks that were a part of my sign-on agreement at my job, and that helped too (just here for transparency, friends). And never ever underestimate ThredUp- they honestly took two pairs of my old Uggs, sold them, and I pocketed around $70. So, that helped too!

I’m writing in my journal and reading more than ever before.

If you know me, you know I journal a good amount. I also own every journal since 5th grade (the one from 6th grade is mostly me complaining about how mean everyone was when I grew my bangs out). I tried writing during the beginning of the shutdown of the world, but I found it made me depressed- thinking about all the things I could be doing and wasn’t. So, when I realized I hadn’t written a single coherent entry in a good amount of time (cue mini guilt trip part 2!), I knew I needed to do something (I also made a website? But, neither here nor there). I signed up to Daily Om’s (what I’m calling) 52 Weeks of Writing and I have NO REGRETS. Each week, I get a prompt and some follow-up questions, and then I’m left to my own devices. I make the choice to write this in my physical journal because it can be m-e-s-s-y. I love it though. And I end up writing a lot over the week on just one topic. It’s cathartic and makes me feel accomplished. So, yes. Good. 

I’ve also have been an avid reader since my youth (and, truth time, I love a solid FanFiction… no judgment thanks). I used to read on my way to and from work on the subway, but that’s gone, and when I started working from home, I essentially stopped reading (except for FanFiction… again, no judgment). It made me sad to think that so much of my time had gone from writing brilliant thoughts and reading great literary works to binge-watching Tiger King and Schitt’s Creek (again, NO JUDGEMENT). So, I decided to take the plunge and get into books again (cause eReaders can suck it)- which led me to Book of the Month! I love it and this is in no way an ad (but if you click on that link and sign up, we both win). I love that it gives me options for each month, and the option to skip if I don’t like anything offered. It also sells past BOTM books and I will tell you this, it is so much cheaper than Amazon, and Jeff Bezos can suck it (Sorry, Jeff). I love a local bookshop, don’t get me wrong, but right now when I can’t go browse (which is my fave thing on the Earth), this option is super great. I now have a goal to read 30 books this year and, with this option, I may just reach it. So far, I’ve discovered I love a good thriller/mystery, and can highly recommend Riley Sager.

I lost 20lbs, gained 10 back, and am still figuring out my body and what makes it happiest.

Ah, yes. The weird part of the blog where I talk about my body and weight loss. If this isn’t for you, scroll on by. 

Look, I’m not going to spend much time here, but in August of 2019, I saw a photo of myself and had a very strong reaction. I had always been skinny, and yet, suddenly, I was close to a weight I could never have imagined. So, I started Weight Watchers and working out. I fell in love with OrangeTheory and will die on that hill thank-you-very-much. After understanding what a portion actually was, I found great success and lost about 20lbs. And then, Covid happened. And stress eating/baking/cooking became a thing. And honestly, it got me through, so that’s that. No hate.

But, now as the light at the end of the tunnel gets closer (and gyms are open), I’m getting back on the horse and re-committing to my health. I have no defined goal weight except the one WW made me put in- I just wanted some guidance, accountability, and to understand what a serving of pasta actually looked like. But, I am starting to feel good all around, which leads straight into...

I am reassessing my entire relationship with alcohol.

This one… this has been something I’ve been battling with for some time. Pre-Covid, even. It’s… god this is actually hard to write! I guess after I fell off the barstool and cracked my head open (oh God… remember that?! If you don’t… Instagram stories, friend!), I knew that something needed to be adjusted. 

Now, let me preface this by saying that everyone has their own relationship with booze and that is fine! My personal issue is two things: hangovers and hangxiety. If you don’t know what hangxiety is, it’s essentially the anxiety that comes when you wake up after a day/night of drinking and suddenly wonder what the hell happened and have anxiety while reflecting upon it all. As an already anxious person (oh God, I’m so anxious), this is a disaster. And I know that I only have myself to blame- I am the direct cause of this. I put the alcohol into me.

So, my goal right now is just to feel it out and see what happens. I’m operating at a #2DrinkMaximum (which I had great success with 6 years ago). Some nights, I don’t drink at all. Look- I have no plans to give up alcohol, but I do want to use the time I have at home and not being super duper social to figure it all out. 

Does that make sense? Did I even set out what I meant to do? God this entry is so long.

I’m sorry?

Xoxo

BPL