Being My Unapologetic Self
Editor's Note: This entry does mention suicide. Please take care of yourselves.
Okay, so I wrote that title and I actually had to stop and shake my head. “Am I about to write and publish a post about why I like being a weirdo and potentially scare off any possible romantic interest just so I can create content for the internet?”
YOU FUCKING BET I AM.
Look, I have been the person I am now long enough to understand that there are several people on this Earth who find me:
Loud
Obnoxious
Cocky (but like, I’m not?)
Hyper
All of the Above
And, I’ll be very honest, it used to bother me. A lot. To know that people talked shit about me behind my back and, even worse, didn’t like me, was a sucker-punch to the gut almost daily. I had a hard time understanding why I was the way I was- I struggled fitting into any sort of societal norms (ask me about my middle school anxiety/depression breakdown!) and had very few friends for many, many years. People spent a good amount of time actively avoiding me, and though many of us do not hold fond memories of our middle school selves, I don’t think many people ever stared at a drawer of knives at age 12 and thought about the prospect of just not living anymore. Yeah, that’s where we were at.
Ah, yes, 8th Grade Brady…bless her.
But look, I’m not here to talk about that (at least not today). I’m here to try and explain how I grew to love the person I am today. And hopefully, something will resonate with you. If not, go grab a donut because that also helps.
I don’t think I’ve ever hated myself. Even at my lowest, I didn’t hate the person I was. I hated the world. The world always seemed out to get me, and no matter what I did, I was always a step behind or just to the left of trying to be what it wanted me to be. In 6th grade, girls started wearing make-up. I slapped on some metallic blue eyeshadow and thought I had nailed it. I showed up to school and was laughed at. Someone was finally nice enough to help me wipe some of it off and blend it in, but the damage was done (I still hate eyeshadow to this day). The world is full of good people, and shitty people.
Dealing with shitty people is hard. And, let’s all be honest, at one time, we have all been a shitty person to someone else. And, on the flip side of the coin, someone in the world has at least once treated you like shit. So, with all these external factors, how do you lay down each night and not replay every horrible thing you’ve ever done? I don’t know, I still do that and it still spikes my anxiety. But truly, how do you go about the day with a smile on your face and go to sleep each night while your haters stay up stalking your old YouTube videos (another fun story!)?
By the time I had reached college, I had essentially given up on being “cool”. But, in the same breath, the slate was basically wiped clean and I had no significant past trauma following me and reminding me of my lack of popularity. So, I trudged through the murky waters of college, and I learned something valuable that ultimately led me to finding my true self. You have to learn not to care. Honestly! These days, I just don’t care- I have actually stopped caring. And I know that sounds so blasé and easy and cheap (and you’re not paying for this advice, so I’m okay with it). But, it’s honestly true. And it’s possibly the greatest thing I’ve ever learned. I just don’t care.
And, you can not care, too! Imagine you have a bucket of “fucks” (stick with me). The bucket of fucks is not infinite- you have a finite amount. And you can’t give a fuck about everything because then you’ll not only be out of “fucks”, but you’ll also be miserable and tired. So, measure them out. Be careful how you spend them. Treat your “fucks” like your hard-earned money! Stash that shit up for a rainy day when you really need them. You will start to care less and less because (and now you understand!) you won’t give a fuck about a whole lot anymore.
And what can you do with all the energy you have saved up by not blowing all your “fucks”? You can start to like yourself. Warts and all. And I’m not saying this is something that happens immediately- nobody and I mean absolutely nobody- wakes up one day, springs out of bed and says “HEY I REALLY LIKE MYSELF”. That bullshit can be saved for some after-school special. That’s not real. This is hard work. And it requires giving yourself some self-love and kudos daily. The ability to laugh at yourself when you do something stupid was (and still is) my favorite way to show myself not only forgiveness (and let go of my perfectionistic tendencies), but also get in a good giggle. Learning to embrace who you are takes time, but it’s so worth it. And I’m sure you know this, but isn’t it nice to read it, too?
I can’t tell you how to get to this point… maybe you don’t care to or are super happy in your current situation and for that, yes, I applaud you and I wish you continued success. But, if you’re like me, that was never the case. It took work. It took time. It’s a daily thing. And it took a whole lot of forgiving myself and coming to terms with that as much as I could change in order to fit everything the world/society thought I should be, it just wasn’t worth the time or the energy.
Knowing yourself and being decently grounded in your beliefs is vital for knowing when to stay true to yourself. There are some bandwagons that you are better off not joining, and some that you may need to sit uncomfortably with for a bit in order to reap the rewards of it. But, the fact remains, as our dear RuPaul says “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”
Can I get an “Amen”?
