When It’s Over…
Last night around 8:30 PM, I was making a cup of tea in my kitchen. While I waited for the kettle to boil, I stood at my sink, doing dishes from my meal prepped dinner, and my one designated glass of wine. And then, I had a striking thought. I wondered “What will life be like when this is all over?”. I paused, took a deep breath, trying to clear my mind, but then I asked “Do I even remember who I was before the world shut down?”. That’s a silly question, of course I do. But, truly, do I remember a time when I’d wake up at 5:15 AM to work out, commute an hour to work, and then slug down dinner and two glasses of wine before a show or rehearsal? Do I remember planning extensive trips abroad to “find myself” or staying late at work to finish a puzzle with friends? These days, I’m anxiously waiting for the clock to show a socially acceptable time to have a drink and then go to sleep. I’m sure I was exhausted constantly, but I also think I was happy? Am I happy now?
A whole year. We’ve been doing this (whatever this is) for a year. And I know everyone has things that were ruined by it, and I’m not here to compare notes. I’m simply stating that the marker of this passage of time reads as a year. I know we all joke about when we were sent home from work for two weeks to “flatten the curve”, and then most of us never returned to our offices or schools (I sincerely hope there isn’t anything rotting on my desk). But, over this span of time, I know I’ve changed. I’ve picked up new habits, shed others. I know I am not the same as I was before. I’d actually be upset if I was. But what do these changes look like in this “new world”?
What if when we do go back to normal, I can’t function? What if I suddenly forget what it’s like to be a member of society and am unable to find joy in things I did previously? What if I actually hate people and want to be a hermit that sits at home in the same chair for hours binging Law and Order SVU and spewing thoughts to a Google Doc? How much have I grown and changed in lockdown? What have I decided to give up? What have I learned? What will I do first?
On a personal note, I’m coming up on my second quarantine birthday and I think it might be fucking with my head a bit. Last year, I was determined to make the best of it because I was fairly certain I’d just do the party I wanted at a later date. As time crept on, it became abundantly clear that there would be no party (fine, actually, I’m not upset). But that being said, the fact that it’s now an entire year later and I’m on GoldBelly looking at yet another cake to eat by myself is… it’s fucking depressing.
2020 birthday and what I assume my 2021 birthday will look like?
I imagine that this feeling is somewhat similar to being released from prison (my brain jumps to The Shawshank Redemption… poor Brooks). Except in this scenario, the world has not continued on without you, you’ve been an active viewer and everyone has been in this frozen time lock just like you. Yes, a new iPhone came out and we had an election. But we’ve all been waiting. I wonder if when I finally start doing things again if they’ll hold the same excitement they once did. Will hugging a friend be easy, or will I now have to take into account how comfortable they are in regards to sharing personal space? I’m a theatre person at my core, I don’t know what personal space is. Will I be able to date and not have to worry about what illnesses I could contract just from kissing (sex on the first date is a no for me, dawg)?
I’m worried that the places I loved will be gone. The ones here at home, I can already see right before my eyes. You can’t help but notice for sale signs and empty storefronts. And what about the places I’ve never been to? The ones I had grand fantasies of? Will the shrines in Japan still be there? The cute bed and breakfast I had planned to stay at in Dublin? Will I get to show my mom why I loved to run around the world and the magic it held without having our temperatures checked at the London Natural History Museum? It’s like FOMO, but worse. Because, instead of wondering, I already know the answers to many of these questions. I lay awake at night and wonder what I’ve missed. I get anxious thinking about all the travel regrets I have- deciding to take a nap in Venice rather than explore more of the winding alleys around canals. What secrets of these marvelous places did I miss?
I think I’m just afraid. At one time, I was afraid of getting sick, of my parents being hospitalized. But as we come closer and closer to the possible end of this weird chapter of all our lives, I’m scared about what awaits on the other side. All I can hope is that I’m not the only one and that we’re all wondering what’s next.
