I am the Worst Catholic.

Now, I know you may think you’ve got me beat- but this isn’t a competition and it’s my blog SO BACK OFF- we can all be bad Catholics here.  I know that title may seem...inflated, but, in my own mind, I’m about 99.8% sure it’s true. The other .02% just thinks about how good I’d be practicing Judaism. 

I own two rosaries and yet do not know how to use them. I don’t own a Bible, but have a copy of The Book of Mormon. I am the only child in my family not to make confirmation (don’t worry though, they sent this child with anxiety to confession!). I don’t know if I believe in God, and yet, here I am, voluntarily giving up something and not eating meat on Fridays (because, as Tracy Jordan once said, “The Pope owns Long John Silvers.”).

So, how did I end up with the self-proclaimed title of “World’s Worst Catholic”? I think it’s important to know that I wasn’t raised in a non-secular home. I mean, overall, I wouldn’t say our family is super religious, but we did identify as Catholic. I’d also say that we’re actually very bad at organized religion and respecting authority. My mother once walked out of mass at St. Patrick’s in New York City because she didn’t like what the priest was saying (and she exited up the center aisle of the church which I just learned is called a “nave”). My sister once referred to 2/3 of the Holy Trinity as “God and that other Guy (she’s referring to Jesus)”. I once yelled “Come in!” in the middle of mass when they rang the bells during the Eucharist. And, most recently, my brother was called out at my Grandmother’s funeral mass because he didn’t remember the responses (which to be fair, had just been changed from “and also with you”, to “and with your spirit”). An Irish priest telling you that you should “darken the doorway of a Catholic church more often” is just *chef’s kiss*.

Growing up, we went to church (mostly for the donuts afterwards in the basement). I have clear memories of standing up on the pews to sing very loudly and then plopping back down to continue drawing on the church bulletin with a pen found in my mother’s purse. We didn’t pray before meals, but I sang in the church choir for a hot second. I attended the Catholic version of Sunday School (aka CCD), and for a period of time, my mother taught and hosted it in our own home. I was on my way to salvation!

1997- Heidi braids and buck teeth- What a time for fashion.

The last big religious thing I did was my First Communion. After that, my “religious education” really went off the rails. My parents' marriage was annulled and for me, divorce was one thing, but this just really threw me for a loop (Editor’s note: when this happened, I was reading a lot of books about Henry VIII and thought I was illegitimate and I didn’t know until writing this that the church doesn’t do that anymore, so yay, I’m not a bastard!). But suddenly, I just didn’t care about faith or religion in general. I kept going to CCD if only to continue to vandalize the illustrations of innocent commoners around Jesus with glasses and mustaches. And then, when the scandals of the day unfortunately reached our own parish, that’s when things ground to halt. Mom stopped teaching and I used that as a reason to stop attending both mass and CCD. That’s when I became a full-time heathen. And that’s where I’ve been peacefully residing since 2000- somewhere between heaven and hell. Purgatory- that’s the word, Brady. You’re in purgatory.

And yet, Lent has begun, and I’m doing the damn thing. But why? Do I hope to find some sort of spirituality in these 40 days (Editor’s Note, again: also, not really 40 days because the church doesn’t count Sundays, so lol jokes on me, it’s actually 44 days)? Do I think this may bring me closer to God (who I’m already a little iffy on)? Maybe it will finally drive me to join the convent and live out my truest “Sound of Music” dreams. Like many others, I have tried this whole thing before. 40 days of no booze. 40 days of journaling. 40 days of no soda. And each and every time, I have failed and just didn’t even care if I did. But, points for trying though, right? So after failing so many times before, what made me want to try again and really do it?

I wish my answer was something really profound, but honestly, it was something to do. I gave up buying anything from Amazon (which, I’m still on track with thank you very much). I had mentioned in an earlier post about being almost debt-free, so I figured I could challenge myself and save a little money as well. Also, it was something to do. Seriously- it was something to focus on during the anniversary of the world shutting down.

It also turns out that I do enjoy learning a bit more about the religion I shrugged off as a child, and that’s strangely thanks to a friend/acquaintance who hosts a Catholic radio show on SiriusXM. Yes, back in my heyday of driving around New Hampshire, I discovered possibly the least Catholic radio show in the world (it has haters!). And I started listening. And now, The Catholic Guy Show is just something that I sometimes pop into. And when I saw the host was doing a virtual thing for Lent called- “Lents Get It On”, I decided to join in (note- it was not free, so that also shows you my willingness to be involved). So far, it’s just Jesus-y enough for me to understand what’s happening but also learn a little something. Though, I did have to google the Hail Mary cause I totally messed up the lines.

My mother asked me if all of this means I am going to go “full God” and I really don’t think so. I think I’m just dipping my toes back into the holy water and seeing what works for me. I don’t think I’ll do the adult confirmation program, and looking way ahead, I’m not sure if my kids will follow any sort of religious path. I think you need to be old enough to figure out what you’re signing up to- not doing it because you’re being told to by your parents.

Look, to wrap this all up: I don’t expect to come out of this with a newfound sense of faith and the strong belief in organized religion (I’m just not sold on it…that’s probably from watching too many cult documentaries). But, while the world continues to crap itself over and over it is nice to focus on something for a bit each day and save money while doing it? Yeah. So, Lent.